Vitsejä sekä hauskoja juttuja

sarme · 09.08.2001

Yhdyn edelliseen (vastaukseen).

Samppa · 09.08.2001

Originally posted by Klemmari
Niin varmaan joo...

Click to expand...

Ainakin tuo on yleisesti tunnettu Einsteinin arvoituksena.
Helppo ratkaista kynän ja paperin kanssa, mutta muuten vähän hankalampi. Ratkaisitteko "aidosti", eli ilman mitään muistiinpanoja?

Mika · 09.08.2001

Jep.. saku

Paprua tuli käytettyä. Olisihan tuo saattanut jotenkin muutenkin mennä jos olisi ollut tarkoitus se niin tehdä. Enemmän olisi mennyt vaan aikaa kun olisi pitänyt muistaa enemmän....tooosin täysin ilman paperia tuo lienee jo aika hankala.

Anttimie · 09.08.2001

Äsken ruokatunnilla sattui mielenkiintoinen tapaus. Olemme ottaneet. Tavaksi käydä maanantaisin turinoimassa niitä näitä kavereiden kesken eräässä kahvilassa ruokatunnin aikoihin. Olimme erään kaverini Jarmon kanssa huomanneet, että Pekka kysyy joka kerta henkilökunnalta edellisen lauantain oikeat lottonumerot. Tämä johtunee ainakin osittain siitä, että Pekka on yleensä lottoarvonnan aikoihin jo niin kännissä, ettei pysty kissaa sanomaan, saati lottoriviä tarkastamaan. Päätimmekin tehdä pienen jäynän, jonka esivalmistelut alkoivat jo lauantaina, jolloin pyysimme Pekan avovaimoa, Heidiä selvittämään Pekan veikkaaman lottorivin. Tämän rivin kävimme sitten antamassa henkilökunnalle etukäteen, jotta he voisivat toimittaa sen sitten, kun Pekka sitä pyytää.

Ehdimme jonkin aikaa istuskella ja rupatella niitä näitä, kun Pekka lmestyikin ovesta sisään Heidi vanavedessään. Tällä oli ilmeisesti uteliaisuus voittanut, kun olimme kertoneet, että minkälaista jäynää puuhasimme ja oli hankkiutunut jollain tekosyyllä Pekan mukaan kahvilareissulle. Vaihdoimme tavanomaiset tervehdykset, jonka jälkeen Pekka tilasi parit kahvit ja munkit sekä pyysi oikeaa lottoriviä. Puhelimme niitä näitä mm. Häkkisten pojan etunimestä ja siitä, että mahtaako Etelä-Suomeen tulla valkea joulu. Sitten tarjoilija toi Pekan tilaamat kahvit ja munkit lottonumeroiden kera. Pekka kaivoi heti taskustaan kuluneen R-kioskista aikoinaan aamansa pahvitaskun, jossa hän kuljettaa kuponkejaan. Pekka maistoi munkkia ja hörppäsi perään kahvia ja kävi läpi rivejä. Äkkiä hänen silmänsä pullistuivat ja hän sai kauhean yskänpuuskan, aivan kuin meinaten tukehtua kahviinsa. Hän toipui siitä vielä nopeammin ja pomppasi ylös. Hän näytti hetken leijuvan ilmassa, kunnes putosi jaloilleen ja karjaisi äänekkäästi:"YES!! 17 miljoonaa!!!!"

Me tietysti olimme, että "Tä? Älä helvetissä!! Näytä!!", mutta Pekka ei antanut kenenkään koskea lottokuponkiinsa. Hetken toivuttuaan hän istui alas, haukkasi munkkia ja hörppäsi kahvia ja sanoi sitten hiljakseen: "Nythän on niin, että sinä AJ ja sinä Jarmo, olette täysiä mulkkuja molemmat. Ja sinä Heidi. Huonompaa suihinottajaa mä en tiedä. Siskosi Hannele ja se sun kaverisi Mervikin on paljon parempia sängyssä. Mun puolestani voit painua saman tien kämpille keräämään tavarasi. Mä haluan, että sä olet häipynyt siihen mennessä, kun mä tulen töistä. Siihen ei sitten mene kauan, sillä ajattelin ottaa loparit tänään, mutta ensin käyn vähän pomon pöydällä hyppimässä."

Tämän sanottuaan Pekka jatkoi muina miehinä munkkinsa syöntiä meidän muiden tuijottaessa suu auki. Samassa tarjoilija tuli siihen viereen hymyillen kuin hangon keksi ja kysymään, että mitenkäs se. Lotto-pila onnistui. Että silleen...

tuolta...
http://www.students.tut.fi/~torppa/pila.txt

Mika · 10.08.2001

1. The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ...
I'm never going to have sex with my wife.
I don't want to be all grossed out!"
- Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
- Anita, age 9

"Single is better...for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change
any diapers... Of course, if I do get married, I'd figure something
out.
I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and
diaper-changing."
- Kirsten, age 10

2. How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
- Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids."
- Derrick, age 8

3. What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and
diseases together."
- Marlon, age 10

4. How to Make a Marriage Work?
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
- Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
diamonds on it."
- Lori, age 8

5. Getting Married for a Second Time
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to
find a live one."
- Angie L., age 10

6. How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
---------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
- Kelvin, age 8

Maukka · 11.08.2001

Ampu tulee:
http://www.howstuffworks.com/what-if-shoot-tv.htm

jalmari · 13.08.2001

If I were you who would be me?

Butterflies are free (käännös= voikärpäset ovat ilmaisia)

Se parhaiten naaraa joka viimeksi naaraa.

Minä en koskaan enne aamiaista ota mitään viskiä väkevämpää. (terveysvalistusta)

Tietokoneiden avulla voimme helposti selvittää ongelmia joita meillä ei ilman tietokoneita olisikaan.

Samaa voidaan sanoa myös avioliitosta eli avioliiton avulla kaksi ihmistä pystyy selviytymään ongelmista joita heille ei olisi tullutkaan elleivät he olisi meneet naimisiin.

Ja vaihdetaan vaihteeksi toiseen kotimaiseen kieleen eli:

As Albert sat in front of a fire reading the Sunday papers, his wife peeped round the door and said, 'Albert, there's a salesman at the door with a funny face.' 'Tell him you've already got one,' said Albert, not looking up.

Mika · 13.08.2001

Desperately seeking technical support / advice:

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some
problems. I've been running the same version of drinking Buddies1.0 for
years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have
always conflicted with it. I heard that Drinking Buddies won't crash
if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find
the switch to
turn it off, I just run them Separately and it works OK. Girlfriend also
seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware, often trying to abort my
Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should
have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better
performance with Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts, I consulted a
friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't
have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a
Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my
cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed
a
Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first
time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and
thorough
virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a
SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I
discovered
Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled. I tried to run Girlfriend
1.0
again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an
unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend
1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate
removal
of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all
versions, there are still some problems.
The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can't
understand, much less reprogram. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is
totally object-oriented. A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to
Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He
discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade
to
Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife
1.0, which he describes as a 'huge resource hog.' It has taken up all his
space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he
upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it
turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife1.0 sometimes
prohibits
access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to
try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up System
before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0
came
with Mother-in-law 1.0, which has an automatic popup feature he can't turn
off. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if
you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife1.0 will
delete
MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install
anyway, due to insufficient resources.

Mika · 13.08.2001

These are the rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -
normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before
play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to
avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play
the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally
take time to admire the entire course with special attention to
well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course
being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage
players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being
played for the first time. Previous players have been known to
become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course
to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players
will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any
bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment
with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission
before
attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

jukkava · 14.08.2001

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
"How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie?
We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for
$19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for
$19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Perfect Day for Her:

08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

08:30 5 lbs lighter on the scale

08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants

09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out

12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 lbs

13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

15:00 Nap

16:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret
admirer

16:15 Gentle massage

17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror

19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing

22:00 Hot shower (alone)

22:30 Make love

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day for Him:

06:00 Alarm

06:05 Blowjob

06:15 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today

06:30 Shower and dress

07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee

07:30 Limo arrives

07:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport

08:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ),
lesbians making love across the plane

09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club 09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)

11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen belon oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens

12:15 Blowjob

12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)

14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Sapphire martini)

14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)

15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female topless crew and one best friend

16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)

17:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland

18:45 Shit, shower and shave

19:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated.

19:20 Order a copy of the video

19:30 Dinner with three friends, Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters

Casino, 20 oz. New York Steak, Gorgonzola salad,Fettucini with Prawns,
Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1959 (magnum), creme brulet, Louis XIV Cognac, Cohiba Lancero cigar.

21:30 Sex with three women

23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.

23:45 Bed (alone)

23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart, dog leaves the room

23:55 Giggles himself to sleep.

jalmari · 14.08.2001

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. - I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

Veni, Vedi, Visa. I came. I Saw. I did a little shopping.

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi. - Always wear Underwear.

Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati - When all else fails, play dead.

Necca me latre. - Kill me with a brick.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis ad capul tuum saxum immane mittam. - I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes. - If you can read this, you're overeducated.

Non illegitimi carborundum est. - Don't let the bastards grind you down.

(Latinaksi sanottuna kaikki kuulostaa ylevältä)

jalmari · 14.08.2001

War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

If you cut my left arm off my right arm will be left.

DEATH to all fanatics.

You know what? I'm glad I'm not a laboratory animal. Do you have any idea how many of those little bastards get cancer?

The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

How to become immortal: Read this signature tomorrow and follow its advice.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.

I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.

Anybody can quit smoking. It takes a real man to fight lung cancer!

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence 'If you read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence' - Twice!

If the World wouldn't suck we all would fall off.

Black holes suck.

jalmari · 14.08.2001

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven...

C.O.B.O.L - Completely Obsolete Boring Old Language.

Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.

Fatal error has occured. Press any key to continue or any other key to cancel.

APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.

Application has reported a 'Not My Fault' in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

"If the Start Windows Restart when Windows starts check box is checked Windows Restart will start automatically every time Windows is started." - Actual excerpt from a windows program help file!

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms

jalmari · 14.08.2001

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

I feel like a genocidal maniac when emacs asks me if I want to kill 10789 characters.

Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object!

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

A computer scientist is someone who, when told to 'Go to Hell', sees the 'go to', rather than the destination, as harmful.

Unix, BASIC, C, PASCAL, APL, ADA, and PROFANITY spoken here.

'During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.' - Al Gore, March 9, 1999: On CNN's Late Edition

My operat~1 system unders~1 long filena~1 , does yours?

Calculating in binary code is as easy as 01,10,11.

You know you're obsessed with computer graphics when you're outside and you look up at the trees and think, "Wow! That's spectacular resolution!"

jalmari · 14.08.2001

Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

BTW, FWIW, IMHO, AFAIK, yes. OTOH, AAMOF, maybe not. YMMV.

Don't make me use uppercase...

The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?

I'm pink therefore I'm Spam.

Yo' momma's .sig is so big, she's got to use a full screen editor just to edit it!

M.A.C.I.N.T.O.S.H. - Machine Always Crashes, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs'

W.I.N.D.O.W.S - Will Install Necessary Drivers, Or Won't Start.

Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [ OK ]

Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.

Lunix... because I'm better than you.

Illegal function has been occured. Shoul I
a) call the FBI,
b) delete all the evidence(s)
c) pretend I saw nothing

jalmari · 14.08.2001

Explorer on aiheuttanut virheen kohteessa
SHDOCVW.DLL
Explorer suljetaan.

Jos ongelma ei häviä, kokeile suurta pajavasaraa.

Mika · 14.08.2001

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked,
and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out,
"they have only an apple to eat, and they're being
told this is paradise. They are Russian."

jalmari · 15.08.2001

Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've been in that phone booth for twenty minutes and didn't say a word! Sir, I'm talking to my wife.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

The 3 stages of sex: Tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly.

Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Marriage is Grand, Divorce is twenty Grand.

I did an unbelievable amount of work in the yard. It's amazing what you can do when your wife puts your mind to it.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Make love, not war - hell, do both, get married!

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished...

If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

jalmari · 15.08.2001

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

Never buy a car you can't push.

It's a small world, so you gotta use your elbows a lot.

A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on - C.D. Bailey

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

jalmari · 15.08.2001

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.

If you find yourself in a fair fight you didn't plan your mission properly!

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Vitsejä sekä hauskoja juttuja

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Vitsejä sekä hauskoja juttuja

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