Vitsejä sekä hauskoja juttuja

"I want my money back for this tape I rented," the blond told the man at the video rental counter.
"Was there a problem?" he inquired.
"Yes, I rented it to turn on my boyfriend, but there's nothing on it but static..." she explained, turning the copy over to the counterman.

The movie was called "Head Cleaner."

 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies,"come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn,...third gay rooster I bought this month."

 

A workaholic finally decided to take a long overdue vacation. He booked a Caribbean cruise and was having the time of his life... until the boat sank! He found himself swept onto a desert island. Six lonely months later, he is lying on the beach when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

"Where did you come from?" he asks.
"I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my ship sank" she says.
"Amazing". "You were really lucky to have a row-boat wash up with you".
"Oh this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But that's impossible," stutters the man, "You had no tools. How did you manage?"
"Oh, no problem", replies the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools." The guy is stunned.
"Lets row over to my place." She says. She docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow.

"It's not much but I call it home," she says. "Would you like another drink?"
"No thank you," he says still dazed. "Can't take any more of that coconut juice"
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have my own still. How about a Pina Colada while I slip into something more comfortable." She returns wearing nothing but vines and a strategically placed shell necklace.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here a long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing or all these months," her hands sliding over his legs.
He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck! "You mean." he gasps, "I can actually check my e-mail from here?"

 

Tarzan is walking through the jungle one day and gets in a fight with a lion. The lion rips off one arm, one of his eyes,and rips off his penis. Left for dead Cheetah finds Tarzan lying there and rescues him. Taking him up to their tree house, they give him a gorillas arm to replace the one he lost. An eagle's eye for his eye, and a baby elephant's trunk to replace his penis.

After a few days of using his new parts, Cheetah asks tarzan "How do you like?"
Tarzan replies "Me like new arm very strong. Me like new eye see far and good. But me no like new willie, all day long it picks up leaves and shoves them up my ass!!"

 

A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

 

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic
you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association-it has made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.... "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

 

Ei millään pahalla, mutta jaksaako näitä joku todella lukea?

Vitsilinkki:
http://www.xaviersite.com/humor/
Sisältää mielenkiintoisempaakin materiaalia (autot ).

 

No, kyllä minä näitä ainakin aina välillä lueskelen. Ei tarvi avata erikseen mitään vitsisivustoa kun Traba on aina muutenkin auki

 

Kyllä minä ainakin olen lukenut jokaisen. Ainakin jutut ovat paljon siistimpiä ja parempia kuin ne, joita häiriintyneet ystäväni lähettävät postilaatikkoni täytteeksi päivittäin...

MKL

 

Juu, kyllähän näiden taso on paljon parempi kuin keskiverto inboxintäyttötavaran.

Kai sitä jotain pitää repiä itsestään irti. Tulee sitten ulkomuistista joten kerronta & yksityiskohdat voivat olla hieman pielessä

Suomalainen turisti oli matkalla Bangkokissa ja päätti kaupungilla kävellessään poiketa paikalliseen eläinkauppaan. Mies astui kauppaan sisään ja alkoi silmäillä eksoottisia eläimiä.

Ei kestänyt kauakaan kun silmiin osui aivan tavallisen näköinen apina. Mies kuitenkin ihmetteli hintalappua, jossa luki: C-apina $1000. Kummastuneena apinan korkeasta hinnasta yleiseen tasoon nähden mies kysyi kauppiaalta mistä tässä nyt oikein oli kysymys. "No tämähän on C-apina. Osaa koodata C:tä ja jopa hieman Pascalia". -No johan on kumma, ajatteli turisti, ja jatkoi kierrostaan.

Eipä aikaakaan kun miehen silmät kiinnittyivät toiseen apinanahäkkiin. Tällä kertaa samannäköisen apinan häkissä luki kunnioitettavat $2000 ja se oli nimetty J-apinaksi. Mies taas kiinnostuneena uteli kauppiaalta apinan kykyjä, ja sai tietää, että kyseessä oli Java-apina. Se hallitsi suvereenisti olio-ohjelmoinnin Javalla sekä C++:lla. "I'll be damned", mietti mies ja luuli jo nähneensä kaiken.

Juuri kun mies oli lähdössä, saapui liikkeeseen kiireisen näköinen mies, joka pyysi kauppiaalta jotain intiaksi. Kauppias käväisi takahuoneessa ja palasi kainalossaan tummenetuilla laseilla varustettu apinahäkki. Liikkeeseen rynnännyt mies maksoi käteisellä $10000 ja lähti. Turisti äimistyneenä ajatteli, että tässä apinassa oli varnasti jotain todella erikoista. Hän kääntyi kauppiaan puoleen ja innosta puhkuen kysyi apinan kyvyistä. "No en minä koskaan ole nähnyt sen mitään tekevän, mutta projektipäällikkö siinä häkissä luki."

 

Lue tämä sivu: http://www.students.tut.fi/~engine/error404.html

 

Kaikki tietysti tuntevat jo tämän linkin mutta laitan se varalta tähän: http://rinkworks.com/stupid/

Itse ainakin nauroin kippurassa noita lukiessani.

 

Tässä hieman visaisempi, tähän ei liity mitään kikkaa.

Tämän tehtävän on miettinyt Albert Einstein, joka oli sitä mieltä että 98 % ihmisistä ei pysty ratkaisemaan sitä.

Faktat:
1. Kaikki 5 taloa ovat erivärisiä
2. Jokaisessa talossa asuu eri maan kansalainen
3. Jokaisen talon omistaja juo tiettyä juomaa, polttaa tietynmerkkisiä savukkeita ja omistaa tietynlaisen kotieläimen.
4. Kukaan ei polta samanmerkkisiä savukkeita eikä juo samaa juomaa naapurin kanssa ja jokaisella on erilainen kotieläin.

Vihjeet:
1. Englantilainen asuu punaisessa talossa
2. Ruotsalaisen lemmikkinä on koira
3. Tanskalainen juo teetä
4. Vihreä talo on valkoisen vasemmalla puolella
5. Vihreän talon omistaja juo kahvia
6. Pall Mallia polttava henkilö rakastaa lintuja
7. Keltaisen talon asukas polttaa Dunhilliä
8. Keskimmäisessä talossa asuva mies juo maitoa
9. Norjalainen asuu ensimmäisessä talossa
10. Blendiä polttava mies asuu kissan omistajan naapurissa
11. Se, jolla on hevosia kotieläiminä, asuu vierekkäin miehen kanssa, joka polttaa Dunhilliä
12. Blue Masteria polttava juo olutta
13. Saksalainen polttaa Princeä
14. Norjalainen asuu sinisen talon vieressä
15. Miehellä, joka polttaa Blendiä, on naapurina mies, joka juo vettä

Kysymys:
Kenellä on lemmikkieläiminään kaloja?

 

Niin varmaan joo...

Vastaus on nyt kuitenkin "saksalaisella".

MKL