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Keskustelu osiossa 'Tarinatupa Classic (Yleiskeskustelu)' , aloittajana Mika, 31.07.2001.

  1. f_grimes

    f_grimes Käyttäjä

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    I have a long, but rather educational story here which I think you all will enjoy.

    Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

    No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialisation where it can monitor all other system activity. He is finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

    At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

    Some features he would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

    - - A "Don't remind me again" button
    - - Minimise button
    - - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
    - - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to have greater use.

    Another friend decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, he found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a longstanding bug which he should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.

    You would think that they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work verywell, leaving undesired traces of the application in the system.

    Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

    **** BUG WARNING ****

    Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-uninstallation, then Mistress 1.0 will refuse to install claiming insufficient system resources.

    **** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ****

    To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.0 on a different system and never run any file transfer application such as Laplink 6.0.
    Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0
     
  2. f_grimes

    f_grimes Käyttäjä

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    A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

    The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

    The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

    The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

    Mom fainted .....
     
  3. a1708

    a1708 Käyttäjä

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    MISSÄ ON KULUTTAJANSUOJA?
    >
    >Toivoisin, että voisitte ottaa kantaa, onko seuraava
    tapahtuma
    >sellainen, että voisin vaatia vahingonkorvauksia,
    eräältä erittäin
    >arvostetulta Helsinkiläiseltä tavaratalolta,
    menetetystä tyttöystävästä:
    >
    >Halusin taannoin ostaa syntymäpäivälahjan
    tyttöystävälleni.
    >Koska kyseinen mimmi on tunnetusti herkästi kiivastuvaa
    >sorttia ja lahjojen suhteen kranttu päätin yrittää
    kerrankin
    >olla tahdikas ja käyttää harkintaa. Mietittyäni asiaa
    päätin
    >ostaa vaaleat hansikkaat; romanttinen, muttei liian
    >henkilököhtainen lahja. Tyttöystäväni pikkusisko
    lupautui
    >lähtemään kanssani Sokokselle valitsemaan naisten
    käsineitä.
    >Sisko osti samalla itselleen pikkupöksyt.
    >
    >Kassalla myyjä ilmeisesti sekoitti ostokset;
    pikkuhousut
    >joutuivat tyttöystäväni pakettiin ja hansikkaat
    lähtivät
    >siskon mukaan. Erhettä kuitenkaan silloin huomaamatta
    >lähetin syntymäpäivälahjan tyttöystävälleni Turkuun ja
    >kirjoitin korttiin:
    >
    >"Valitsin nämä, koska olen huomannut, ettei sinulla
    kovin
    >usein ole niitä, kun menemme ulos iltaisin. Muistan
    myös,
    >että kun kerran pitelin sinun vanhojasi, jotta olisit
    voinut
    >paremmin maksaa taksikuskille, ne näyttivät jo
    aavistuksen
    >verran kuluneilta. Olisin ostanut pitkät
    vetoketjulliset,
    >mutta siskosi pitää lyhyitä, helpommin riisuttavia ja
    hän
    >suositteli niitä ja näytti miten helppo ne on riisua ,
    kun
    >on kiire.
    >
    > Nämä ovat kyllä aran väriset, mutta myyjätär näytti
    minulle
    >omansa, joita hän oli pitänyt jo kolme viikkoa, eivätkä
    ne
    >olleet kovin pahasti likaantuneet. Hän sovitti vielä
    tätä
    >sinun lahjaasi ja näytti oikein fiksulta. Myyjä
    kuitenkin
    >varoitti, että kun työnnät sormesi niihin et saa
    käyttää
    >voiteita, koska rasva saattaa tulla ikävästi pinnan
    läpi.
    >Varo myöskin hankaamasta niitä mitään kovaa vastaa,
    koska ne
    >ovat ohuet ja saattavat mennä kovasta hankauksesta
    puhki.
    >Kunpa voisinkin olla paikalla sovittamassa niitä
    sinulle ensi
    >kertaa, koska niin monet kädet saavat koskea niitä,
    ennenkuin
    >tapaamme seuraavan kerran. Kun riisut ne, muista
    puhaltaa niihin
    >kevyesti, sillä ne ovat varmastikin kosteat pitämisen
    jälkeen.
    >Myyjä sanoi, että ne saattavat tuntua alussa vähän
    tiukoilta,
    >muuta koon pitäisi kyllä olla oikea. Jos et kuitenkaan
    jaksa
    >odottaa, että ne venyvät, voit pyytää isääsi tai
    veljeäsi
    >työntämään kätensä varovasti niihin. Toivottavasti
    panet ne
    >minua varten perjantai-illaksi.
    >
    >Hellästi sinua ajatellen, Mussukkasi
    >
    >PS. Viimeisintä muotia on pitää niitä hieman
    alaskäännettyinä,
    >niin että vähän karvaa näkyy sisältä."

     
  4. Bogo

    Bogo Aktiivinen käyttäjä

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    Microsoft v. The Borg

    Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
    able to access their command pathways?"

    Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
    technology."

    Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

    Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

    Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
    pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

    Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

    Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
    increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability
    will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

    Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

    . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

    Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
    resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

    Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
    'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

    Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

    Data "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
    sending in their registration cards.

    Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

    Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain; I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

    Picard "Data, what does your scanners show?"

    Data "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

    Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

    . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

    Riker "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

    Geordi "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
    successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something
    called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

    Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

    Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

    Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

    Picard "Identify."

    Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

    Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE
    CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID
    ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

    Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

    Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

    Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the
    tortures of deep space ?!"

    Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized
    by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

    Riker and Picard together (horrified) "Lawyers !!"

    Geordi "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

    Data "True, but appearently some must have survived."

    Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

    Data "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

    Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

    Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
     
  5. Mika

    Mika Administrator Ylläpidon jäsen Tukijoukot

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    The Perfect Day for Her:

    8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
    8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
    8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
    9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
    10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
    10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
    12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained
    1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
    3:00 Nap
    4:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
    4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
    5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
    10:00 Hot shower (alone)
    10:30 Make love
    11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
    11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms


    And now, the Perfect Day for Him:
    6:00 Alarm
    6:15 Blowjob
    6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
    7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
    7:30 Limo arrives
    7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
    8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee and Sports Illustrated)
    9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
    9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
    11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
    12:15 Blowjob
    12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
    2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
    2:30 Private jet - Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
    3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female topless crew
    4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs.)
    5:00 Jet back home, massage & hand job enroute by naked model.
    6:45 Shit, shower, shave
    7:00 Splay naked on bed, channel surf
    7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
    8:00 Watch The mighty Vikes kick the shit out of the Pack
    (Game over by half-time)
    9:30 Sex with three women
    11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
    11:45 Bed (alone)
    11:50 12 second, 4 octave fart - dog leaves the room
    11:55 Sleep
     
  6. Yorcci

    Yorcci Aktiivinen käyttäjä

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    Nyt mennään mauttomuuden rajoille...

    John calls his boss and says: "I can't come to work today. I'm sick."
    Boss asks: "How sick are you?"
    John replies: "I'm at home fucking my sister, just how sick is that?"
     
  7. Mika

    Mika Administrator Ylläpidon jäsen Tukijoukot

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    The following are all quotes from 11-year-olds' science exams:

    "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

    "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

    "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
    test tube."

    "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

    "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a
    free state."

    "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
    pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

    "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
    caterpillars."

    "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

    "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
    expectoration."

    "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
    deader."

    "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
    instead of the bull."

    "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
    makes them perspire."

    "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
    hold."

    "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
    umbrellas."

    "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and
    the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
    contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
    the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

    "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

    "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

    "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
    out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the
    skeleton
    is something to hitch meat to."

    "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
    cuspids,
    two molars, and eight cuspidors."

    "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
    tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
    nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
    fight."

    "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct
    it is."

    "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill
    effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

    "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
    Africa."

    "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

    "Liter: A nest of young puppies."

    "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

    "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

    "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

    "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

    "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."


    "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
    affirmative or negative."

    "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

    "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until
    the heart stops."

    "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and
    down to make artifical perspiration."

    "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
    above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of
    the nearest medical doctor."

    "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
    recovered, then kill it."

    "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient
    is dead."

    "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

    "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops
    in your throat."

    "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
     
  8. Mika

    Mika Administrator Ylläpidon jäsen Tukijoukot

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    The National Science Foundation announced the following study
    results on corporate America recreation preferences:

    1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.
    2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
    3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
    4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
    5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

    CONCLUSION:
    The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.
     
  9. marko

    marko Aktiivinen käyttäjä Tukijoukot

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    Tiedä on teksti vitsi tai edes hauska...

    Irlantilainen Paul Fulham, 32, teki yhden kaikkien aikojen kummallisimmista ryöstöistä. Naamioitunut mies ryösti lapsuudenkotinsa naapurissa sijaitsevan kaupan kassan, mutta sen jälkeen tapahtumat saivat varsin merkillisen käänteen.

    Varas tunnisti pari kaupan kauhistunutta asiakasta vanhoiksi tutuikseen, otti sukan päästään ja tervehti tuttujaan kohteliaan iloisesti, vilpittömässä jälleennäkemisen riemussa.

    Kaiken lisäksi Fulham oli ryöstöä tehdessään niin tolkuttomasti juovuksissa, ettei millään keinolla päässyt ryöstämänsä kaupan ovesta ulos.

    Fulhamin asianajaja totesi asiakkaansa toimineen kuin pahinkin amatööririkollinen.
    -Hän meni ryöstämään juuri sitä kauppaa jossa hänet tunnetaan, asianajaja ihmettelee.

    Fulhan tuomittiin ryöstöstään" vuodeksi vankeuteen.
     
  10. Mika

    Mika Administrator Ylläpidon jäsen Tukijoukot

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    YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN IN FINLAND TOO LONG, WHEN.....


    1. You rummage through your plastic bag collection
    to see which ones you should keep to take to the
    store and which can be sacrificed to garbage.

    2. As you walk past the Parliament Building in Helsinki,
    and see the statues is titled "Svinhufvud" you no
    longer read it as "Swinehead" ... instead you think
    "What a good Swedish name!"

    3. When a stranger on the street smiles at you:
    a. you assume he is drunk
    b. he is insane
    c. he's a Dutch

    4. You don't think twice about putting the wet dishes away in the cupboard to dry.

    5. A friend asks about your holiday plans and you answer "Oh, I'm going to Europe!" meaning any other Western European country outside Scandinavia.

    6. You no longer scrunch up or fold your paper money. You always put your money in your wallet.

    7. You see a student taking a front row seat and wonder "Who does he think he is!!??"

    8. Silence is fun.

    9. The reason you take the ferry to Stockholm is:
    a. duty free voldka
    b. duty free beer
    c. to party heartily...no need to get off the boat in Stockholm,
    just turn around and do it again on the way back to Finland.

    10. Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too
    weak if there is less than 10 scoops per pot.

    11. You pass a grocery store and think "Wow,it is open, I had better
    go in an buy something!"

    12. Your native language has seriously deteriorated, now you begin
    to "eat medicine", "open the television", "close the lights off",
    stay "by" somebody and tell someone "you needn't to!"
    Expressions like "Don't panic"creep into your everyday language.

    13. You associate pea soup with Thursday.

    14. Your idea of unforgivable behavior now includes walking across
    the street when the light is red and there is no WALK symbol,
    even though there are no cars in sight.

    15. Your notion of street life is reduced to the few teenagers
    hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.

    16. Your bad mood becomes your good mood.

    17. Sundays no longer seem dull with all the stores closed, and begin
    to feel restful instead.

    18. "No comment" becomes a conversation strategy.

    19. You finally stop asking your class "Are there any questions?"

    20. The fact that all of the "v's" and the "w's" are together in the
    phone directory seems right. (you "vatch a wideo")

    21. Your old habit of being "Fashionably late" is no longer
    acceptable. You are always on time.

    22. Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.

    23. You begin to understand Jussi Jyylanpaarvi's broadcast of the
    hockey game.

    23. You refuse to wear a hat, even in -30 degree weather.

    24. You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately
    assume:
    a. they are drunk
    b. the are Swedish-speaking
    c. they are Americans
    d. all of the above.

    25. You give up on trying to find fat-free food and pile on the
    butter, cream and sugar.

    26. You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways.

    27. You eat herring in 105 different ways.

    28. You no longer look at sports pants as casual wear, but recognize
    them as semi-formal wear.

    29. You can now reconstruct the missing letters on a building. For example MERI.........LIITTO OY.

    30. You have undergone a transformation:
    a. you accept mustamakkara (Black-blood sausage) as food
    b. you accept alcohol as food
    c. you accept.

    31. You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
    32. You no longer have to search for the flushing mechanism.
    33. You no longer see any problem wearing white socks with loafers.
    34. You no longer correct people who say MAC Donald's.
    35. You just love Jaffa.
    36. You've come to expect Sunday morning sidewalk vomit dodging.
    37. You know that "religious holiday" means "let's get pissed."
    38. You enjoy salmiakki.
    39. You know that "mens public bathroom" is another phrase for sidewalk.
    40. You know that more than three channels means cable.
    41. You get all the Swedish jokes.
    42. When you're hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning.
    43. You've become lactose intolerant.
    44. You accept that 80 degrees C in a sauna is chilly, but 20 degrees C outside is freaking hot.
    45. You have "flu" as soon as you sneeze
    46. YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE LIVE ANYWHERE BUT IN FINLAND!!!!
     
  11. Mika

    Mika Administrator Ylläpidon jäsen Tukijoukot

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    TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
    TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

    HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
    TEACHER: Of course not.
    HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
    TEACHER: What sign?
    WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

    TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
    JOHN: I hope you didn't either.

    GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
    TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

    MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
    JUNIOR: Because of absence.
    MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
    JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

    SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
    FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
    SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

    TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your
    son.
    FATHER: What's that?
    TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

    TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
    SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

    HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
    JOSE: Don't bite any.

    TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
    ELLEN: I is...
    TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
    ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

    TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a
    sentence.
    MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over
    defense before detail.

    MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
    JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

    TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
    SASHA: A new bike.

    TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for
    another,
    how many dollars would you have?
    VINCENT: One dollar.
    TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
    VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

    TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in
    the other, what would I have?
    CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
     
  12. Aceman

    Aceman Shot down in flames!

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    Pistetääs statistiikkapuoli kondikseen...

    He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except-" and he stopped.

    "Except what?" the man asked.
    "Nothing, nothing."
    "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
    "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
    "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

    The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

    The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.

    So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing.

    The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"
     
  13. Aceman

    Aceman Shot down in flames!

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    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
    "What does that tell you?"

    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"

    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
    "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
     
  14. Aceman

    Aceman Shot down in flames!

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    A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

    Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

    The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

    He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
     
  15. Aceman

    Aceman Shot down in flames!

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    Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

    "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
     
  16. Aceman

    Aceman Shot down in flames!

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    A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

    The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
    "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
    "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

    "Keep going!"
    I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have three wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

    "What next?" begged the bartender.
    I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
    I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
     
  17. Aceman

    Aceman Shot down in flames!

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    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
    The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
    The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
    "Tiger Woods."
    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
    "Yeah."
    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
    The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
    The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
    "Tiger wouldn't do that."
    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
    "Now what are you doing?" She asks.
    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
    "Tiger wouldn't do that."
    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
    "He'd come back to bed and do it again."
    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole".
     
  18. Aceman

    Aceman Shot down in flames!

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    A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
    The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
    She said that she did.
    He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
    She said that it didn't.
    The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
    The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
    The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
     
  19. Aceman

    Aceman Shot down in flames!

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    Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."

    "That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"

    "Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"

    The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"

    They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

    Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"

    One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year."
     
  20. Aceman

    Aceman Shot down in flames!

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    The lady Elephant and the Male Mouse were very good friends. One day, they were strolling through the jungle when the elephant was suddenly captured by a huge net. "Mouse! Mouse! Please help me!" She cried. The mouse started gnawing, and soon had enough of the net nibbled away so the elephant could escape. As they resumed their walk, the elephant told the mouse how grateful she was, and that if there was anything at all he wanted, he had only to ask. "Well," said the mouse, "I have never had any Elephany pussy. Do you think that....?" "No problem!" laughed the elephant. "Go for it!"

    Well, the mouse climbed up the elephant's hind leg and began screwing away. A monkey in a palm tree next to them saw what was going on, and started to laugh and jump up and down, dislodging some coconuts, which began to fall on the elephant's head. At this, the elephant began to yell "Ow! Ouch! Oooh!"

    The mouse, hearing this, cried "Take it ALL, bitch!"