We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it
I'm not yelling! = Yes I'm yelling because I think it's important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?
Viestiä muokkasi viimeksi Imlego; 25.05.2003 kello 11:56.
En tiedä onko tämä jo ollut, kun ei jaksa etsiä, mutta hauska silti.
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to
you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
and last but not least:
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Olisi tarkoitus ruopata mökkirantaa joku sopiva viikonloppu.
Tarvittaisiin hieman talkooväkeä, kun urakkana homma on kovin iso.
Sitovat ilmoittautumiset allekirjoittaneelle ennen juhannusta, koska ruoppaus alkaa heinäkuun alussa. Homman päätyttyä syödään, saunotaan ja uidaan, nälissään ei kenenkään tarvitse olla.
Tervetuloa !!!
Ohessa alustava suunnitelma.
Koska suurin osa Plazalaisista on miehiä (tai poikia ) lienee varoitus paikallaan:
Älä ota kesävosua!
Veljet, elämme vaarallisia aikoja. Juhannus, kesäloma, terassikausi, napapaidat, shortsit, bikinit, uimarannan paljaat rinnat.
Mies ei tiedä mihin katsoisi. On erittäin suuri vaara ottaa kesävosu. Älä kuitenkaan tee sitä!
Ensin täytyy tehdä selvä selko siitä, mikä on kesävosu. Se on sellainen, joka ei lähde aamulla pois. "Hoito" on sellainen, joka lähtee.
"Soitellaan tai näkyillään" eikä tarvitse alkaa sen kanssa sitten sen kummempiin liikkeisiin.
Kesävosu, se asettuu taloksi. ennen kuin huomaatkaan, se on vähän kerrallaan siirrellyt vaatteitaan asuntoosi. Se sanoo kovalla äänellä ystävättäriensä kuullen, että ai niin, mun toiset kengät on sun luona.
Perkele, ei mene kuin viikko, niin se alkaa puhua asunnostasi muodossa "meillä". "Meillä laitetaan tänään kai pastaa?" se lirkuttaa viinakaupassa. Kyllä se hävettää, kun jätkät teiltä töistä ovat siinä justiinsa hakemassa pohjia ja menossa
illalla kaatamaan. Voit olla varma, että ne loman jälkeen kahvihuoneessa matkivat kesävosua ja muistuttavat siitä pastasta.
Ennen kuin huomaatkaan, sinut on salakavalasti esitelty suvulle.
Erkki-eno, toivoton kusipää, alkaa hypätä teillä jorisemassa, sen Ladaa pitäisi hitsata. Kesävosun äiti, kantavosu, tulee yhtenä päivänä sinun asuntoosi, haukkuu verhot, marmattaa maton pesusta, kurkkii kaappeihin ja puhuu tyttärensä kanssa sinusta kuin ääliöstä: - Se pitää saada laittamaan täällä paikat kuntoon. Heinäkuussa viimeistään kesävosu alkaa lukea lehdestä ääneen eläinsuojeluihmisten kesäkissan ottamisesta varoittavia tekstejä. Se kysyy, että eihän hän vain ole kesäkissa. Alkaa kysellä rakkaudentunnustuksia.
Niin on läpeensä juoni kesävosu, että avaa sinulle olutpullon ja muistuttaa että telkkarista tulee matsi. Saattaa malliksi neuloa lapaset, jos ei ole niin härski että virkkaa potkuhousut. Yhtenä päivänä kun tulet asioilta, niin asunnossa tuoksuu juuri leivottu pulla.
Mikä on kaiken tämän kesävosun toiminnan perimmäinen tarkoitus? Päästä naimisiin, saada satuhäät, päästä emännäksi. Sinä päivänä, kun palataan häämatkalta se lakkaa meikkaamisen ja itsensä laittamisen.
Mitäs väliä, kun olet koukussa. Se antaa säärikarvojen kasvaa, Vermossa näkee siistimpiä hevosen jalkoja. Ei enää pastasta lirkuteta, se on mikropitsa tai ei mitään.
Ei mene kauan, kun olette muka yhdessä tulleet siihen tulokseen, että sinun kunnollesi tekee hyvää ajaa polkupyörällä. Se vie autosi! Kun sinä veivaat fillarilla kaatosateessa töihin, se lähtee äitinsä ja Irma-tätinsä kanssa Ikeaan. Se ajaa erikoisvanteesi tohjoksi jalkakäytävän reunoihin, Irma-tädin sateenvarjon piikki tekee oviverhoiluun ikävän jäljen. Auton CD-boksi täytetään Jari Sillanpäällä ja lavatanssiyhtyeiden toisistaan erottumattomilla jollotuksilla. Joudut käymään kavereiden luona kuullaksesi rokkia.
Kesävosu, taloksi asetuttuaan, tuulipukuistuu pikavauhtia. Yves Rocher alkaa kirjoitella teille tiheään. Aina on Hobby Hallin osamaksuja peukalohangallinen. Elloksen paketteja saat hakea kerran viikossa.
Kesävosun lumoissa ei tule heti sellainenkaan asia mieleen kuin joulu.
Jouluna se sitten kirkastuu. Ajattele tätä nyt kesällä. Sinä et enää jouluisin käy pokaamassa Hesasta lomille tulevia
kotikaupungin tyttöjä. Ei, koko kesävosun suku syö teillä, sinun pussin päälle, koko joulun. Erkki-eno imuroi viinat, niiden puoliverinen koira kaataa kuusen ja hotkii kinkun, kantavosu antaa sinulle Mennen-pakkauksen ja Karjala-aiheisen kaulahuivin ja Lähikauppa Sorjosen mainospipon. Se vahtii koko talven, että käytät niitä.
Olet mennyttä kalua!
Viestiä muokkasi viimeksi Martti; 01.08.2003 kello 17:46.
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people--whether they are
employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire
to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait
patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in
a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly
bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving
fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating
sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the
man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while
scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of
your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or
Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be
thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to
go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer
to speak to each other in English.
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a U.S. Naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers,
three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your
course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or
counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
A father decides it is time to have the talk about the birds and bees with
his eleven year old son. So, he summoned his son and said, "Son I have to
talk to you about the birds and bees."
At this the boy got all excited screaming, "NO! NO! I don't want to have
this talk! Please don't make me!"
"Now calm down." Replies the father. "Why don't you want to talk about
this?"
"Well Dad, I been having these talks for the last five years.
When I was six you told me there was no Santa Claus.
At seven you said there was no Easter Bunny.
At eight the Tooth Fairy was a lie too you said and so on.
Now if your going to tell me that adults don't fuck, I won't have
anything else to live for!"
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
Nopealla vilkaisulla ei seuraavaa silmiini osunut.
Homo meni tatuointiliikkeeseen ja sanoi haluavansa munanpäähänsä auton. Tatuoija sanoi, että kyllä se onnistuu.
- Olisiko toivomuksia, että millainen?, tatuoija kysyi.
- Noh, pistä neliveto, että kulkee p****ssa paremmin.
Ei ole naisillakaan helppoa..
Vastaa lainaamalla
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